Nearly two months removed from Mozambique, I feel like a complete failure. I am just being honest here, I feel like a failure in so many ways, and I have spent the past 2 days trying to figure out what is going on inside of me that is causing me to act out, to lash out, to be angry again, to be agitated, and annoyed at everyone and everything.
As time passes, Mozambique seems less and less real, sometimes it seems like it didn't even happen. It is too easy to go about my day like "normal" how I used to, and forget to consciously think about Jesus and about His love and about everything that I learned in Moz. It is so easy to forget those things because I am no longer in an atmosphere where everyone is always talking about God, even at church, it seems like we talk about Him like He can't even hear us, like He isn't even there. I miss talking to Him with other people, in a group, where everyone wants and needs Jesus more than anything.
I attended a group at a local church this past Thursday that was so refreshing. My mom convinced me to go, it met during her ladies' Bible study. I have gotten frustrated with their church services because it seems like the people there just want the worship leader or someone else to lead them into God's presence without them actually asking Jesus to come. The worship leaders are anointed, but the people seem too conscious of their surroundings to actually get lost in the Face of Jesus. Anyhow, this group was different.
The Thursday night young adults group was small, about 15 people, compared to the 2,000 that attend Sunday services. We just stood in a circle, some young people desperate to see Jesus, desperate to Have Him. Oh, it was so good, we just prayed and sang some, but mainly prayed, and Jesus came. He came, you could feel His presence, everyone in the room could feel the fire, it was hot, and one girl could see the smoke from His fire, could see Him working there, fanning the embers that have been dying for so long.
This prayer meeting helped me so much, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being around other young people who are so passionate for God to come, who want Him more than anything, and who want revival to break out here in the cold Northeast. I have been looking for something like that here, as I feel so alone, I feel like there is no one who understands what it is like to have God come when you just ask Him to. People get so dependent on others to ask God to come, no one seems to bother to ask Him to come themselves.
And back to the beginning, why on earth do I feel like a failure? I don't know, haven't figured it out, maybe I won't ever. Maybe I can't even understand myself sometimes. I just know that sometimes it feels like Moz never happened.
In my house, my mom doesn't want to let any change in for anything. So she keeps on doing the same things, acting the same way, and I keep on reacting the same way I always used to. It is bad, it is not her fault, I need to change, but shouldn't she need to change too?
I think everyone should go to Africa. I keep bugging my mom to go with my dad when he goes to Uganda, God willing, this summer. She refuses to even pray about going. Maybe God will have to wake her up on that one, change has to come sometime. Why not now? Why not go to Africa?
I need to feed the fire inside me even more. I need to just spend more and more time with God, more time with Him than online, or in a store, or in the car. I need Him more than anything, and I know that He has changed me, He is still changing me, and if I am open to it, He will come, He will come with His fire again, and burn me up even more. And that is what I want.
And so, in conclusion, I've decided to fast from facebook for Lent. Yes, sounds weird, but last year I fasted from gum, and I really did stop chewing it, it stopped being a habit. Facebook is a bad habit, I go on and check it almost automatically everyday, like I check my email. Usually its just for a minute or two, but sometimes I get on it for awhile, and I should be spending this time doing more productive things. I'm hoping that Lent breaks this habit. Its only 40 days. I did 80 days without it in Moz.
Praying for a little more fire.
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